SIR Bidwell Branch 110 Humor

Sitting at the kitchen table, a woman idly picked up a pack of cards and laid out a hand of solitaire, a game that she hadn't played in quite a while.
Her ten-year-old son came by and stopped to admire what the woman had done.
"Wow!" The boy said.
"You know how to play that without a computer!"

A couple of friends were chatting over dinner in a restaurant.
A man at the next table told his cell phone caller to hold on.
Then he stepped outside to talk.
When he returned, a woman said, "That was very thoughtful."
"I had no choice," he said to the woman.
"You were making too much noise."

A girl's family had a tradition of naming the cruise control on their cars.
They were used to hearing their father proclaim "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in their station wagon.
Recently, the girl was traveling with her parents in their new car when they hit a wide-open expanse of highway.
Her dad said, "I think I'll let Tom drive for a while."
"Tom who?" the girl asked.
Her mother translated for the girl:
"Tom Cruise, of course."

Having avoided the scale for a few years, a man finally got up the nerve to climb aboard.
Unable to read the numbers, he got off to grab his eyeglasses and stepped back on.
"What do you know?" he called out.
"These glasses weigh fifty pounds."

Overheard at the post office-a teenager talking to a postal clerk:
"OK, how does this post office thing work?"

A man wrote a book about reverse psychology.
Don't buy it!

A naked man walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What are you getting?"
The mans says, "A draft."

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's okay; he woke up.

A family was gathered around the TV watching an old Western.
The scenery was breathtaking-big sky, mountain streams, sagebrush.
It was so gorgeous that they watched the end credits to see where it was filmed.
After keeping an eye-out their 8-year-old son shouted, "There it is!
It was filmed in Panavision!"

A man was bragging to his son about some of the exciting things the man had accomplished in the man's 20s.
The son didn't seem particularly interested until the man told the son about the time the man had seen Little Richard, Ike and Tina Turner and the Rolling Stones in concert.
No, the lineup isn't what impressed him.
What floored him was the fact that a ticket cost $10.

A dive bar opens up across the street from a church and the minister implores his congregants to pray for it's destruction.
A week later, the bar was struck by lightning and it burned to the ground.
The irate owner sues the church, claiming the prayers caused the destruction of his business.
The church adamantly denies the charges.
After hearing both sides, the judge confesses, "This case confuses me, because the owner of the bar believes in the power of prayer, while the church doesn't."

As he pushes his wailing child through the supermarket, a young father repeats softly, "Don't get excited, Josh... Don't scream, Josh... Keep calm, Josh."
A fellow shopper, impressed by the father's calm demeanor, said, "You should be commended for trying to soothe your son."
The father replies, "I'm Josh."

The worst part about parallel parking is the witnesses.

A man has a deal with the lottery.
For $2, the man tells them what numbers not to pick.

Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station.

A couple of yogurt cups walk into a country club bar and the bartender says, "We don't server your kind here."
"Why not?" one yogurt cup asks. "We're cultured."

A woman handed her purchase to the clerk at a thrift store and said, "I just turned 68 and would like to receive a senior discount, but don't have any proof of age on me."
Before the clerk could object, the customer in line behind the woman came to the woman's defense:
"She's buying a CD of John Denver's Greatest Hits.
What more proof do you need?"

A man was roaming around a home improvement store looking for an item, without any luck.
The man finally asked an employee for help.
The employee quickly led the man to a display a few aisles away and pointed to the exact item the man was seeking.
"Thanks," the man said. "I would have been looking for it all night."
"No, you wouldn't," the employee assured the man. "The store closes at 9 p.m."

A man's son had an interested buyer for his Ford Mustang, but there was a $2,500 Difference between the offer and the list price.
After some back and forth, the potential buyer budged a bit, texting the son that he could get another $500 from his girlfriend.
The man's son texted back, "Get 4 more girlfriends."

A bear walks into a restaurant and says, "I want a grilled... cheese."
The waiter asks, "Why the big pause?"
The bear replies, "I don't know. I was born with them."

Q: What is the leading cause of dry skin?
A: Towels

Q: What type of medicine do ants use when they have eye problems?
A: Ant-eye-biotics.

Q: What do you call a man named David without an ID?
A: Dav.

Doctor: "I think your DNA is backwards."
Me: "And?"

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