SIR Bidwell Branch 110 Humor

Resting atop a large mountain after five hours of climbing, a hiking group noticed another group not far behind them.
When they settled at a summit nearby, a man in the first group heard someone from the second group mention how hot it was, then ask his friend if he'd like a cold beer.
His friend was astonished.
"You carried beer all the way up here?" he said.
"No," the first guy replied, rummaging through his friend's backpack, "you did."

A woman and her teen-age son belonged to a local Tae Kwon Do club where they learned the strict rules of the discipline.
The head instructor of the club is a highly ranked black belt whose Tae Kwon Do title is "Sabumnim."
Away from class, Sabumnim is a plumber named Dave.
One day, after making several futile attempts to unclog a blocked pipe, the woman's husband called Dave to ask if he could stop by and take care of it.
An hour later, Dave pulled up in his truck just as the man and his family were going out the door.
As Dave came up the walk, the woman and her son, ever mindful of their martial-arts etiquette, stood rigidly at attention and bowed deeply from the waist.
Dave gave a quick nod in return and turned to go into the house.
Just then the man saw his next-door neighbor standing in his yard, watching the family with a perplexed look on his face.
"Wow," he said. "That guy must be one great plumber!"

Sitting on his front porch one night, a man waited for his wife to return from attending choir practice.
When a car pulled up in front beyond his hedge and a driver got out, the man called to his wife, "Hi, sweetie!"
To the man's surprise, a male voice called back, "Hi," and the driver proceeded to walk across the street to a neighbor's home.
About 45 minutes later, the man again thought he heard his wife return.
Not wanting to make the same mistake twice, the man called out, "Is that you, honey?"
"No,' rang out the same male voice, "it's me-sweetie!"

When sign makers go on strike, is anything painted on their signs?

Why do television stations report power outages?

Why is a package sent by land carrier called a shipment, while a package sent by ship is called cargo?

Where do forest ranges go to get away?

At the end of a job interview, the human-resources director asked the new MBA graduate what salary he would expect if he were hired.
The candidate responded confidently, "In the neighborhood of $100,000, depending on the benefits package."
The HR director replied, "What would you say to a benefits package of five weeks of vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement fund with a 50-percent company match, a company car-say, a 2025 red BMW convertible?"
The grad sat up, mouth agape, and said, "Are you kidding?"
"Of course," the HR director replied. "But you started it!"

While driving home from the golf course, a man's mother-in-law got a traffic ticket for making a left turn too close to an oncoming car.
Fervently disagreeing with the officer's judgment, she contested the ticket in court, claiming that the other car had been at least 150 yards away.
"But how can you be so sure about the distance?" the judge asked.
"Your Honor," the woman replied, "that car was exactly a seven-iron shot away from mine."
With that, the judge held up his hand.
"I've heard enough," he declared. "Case dismissed."

A panda walked into a restaurant and ordered a sandwich.
When he finished, he pulled out a pistol and shot up the place before turning to leave.
Shocked, the manager said, "Hey, where are you going?"
The panda glanced back over his shoulder and said, "I'm a panda-look it up."
The manager pulled out a dictionary and thumbed through it until he found an entry for 'panda'.
The definition read, "A tree-dwelling animal of Asian origin characterized by distinct black-and-white markings.
Eats shoots and leaves."

Why do we call them apartments when they are attached to one another?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do we call it a television set when you only get one?

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and struck a gun in the man's ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this-I'm a U.S. Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"

The boss called an employee into his office.
"Bob," he said, "you have been with my company for a year.
You started in the mail room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department.
Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice president.
Now it's time for me to retire, and I want to make you the new president and CEO of the corporation.
What do you say to that?'
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
"I guess not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

A woman whose child was doing a project on dinosaurs went to a bookstore.
The woman couldn't believe that the bookstore didn't have a single book with actual photographs of real dinosaurs.

While a man was working at a gas station, a customer asked the attendant for a refund because he had changed his mind.

While a person worked at a pet supply store, a customer once called to set up a delivery.
Among the items the customer wanted was a dog toy, but he didn't know which one.
The employee had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for the customer until the customer heard the "right one."

An employee watched a woman demand that a coworker give the woman a haircut.
They work at a bookstore.

Why isn't 'phonetics' spelled the way it sounds?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

One of the World's Strongest Man events should be "Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together."

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