SIR Bidwell Branch 110 Humor

A salesman is at a barber convention demonstrating an unbreakable comb by putting it through all sorts of stress.
As his piece de resistance, he bends the comb in half.
Crack! It unexplainedly snaps.
Unfazed, he holds up both halves for all to see, saying,
"And this is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside!"

Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers.
A crow has 16.
So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.

A man was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes.
The man turned to a local tribal leader and said,
"That lizard is really funny!"
The leader replied, "That's not a lizard.
He's a stand-up chameleon."

An American couple, lost while driving through Canada, stop at a gas station.
The man gets out of the car, goes inside the station and asks the attendant, "Can you tell me where we are?"
The attendant says, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The man nods and goes back to his car.
"Did he tell you where we are?" his wife asks.
"No," says the husband.
"He doesn't speak English."

Q: What do you call it when your parachute doesn't open?
A: Jumping to a conclusion.

Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall.
He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler.

A man was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck him.

Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.
That's right... Jack and the beans talk.

If you were looking to set a record for the most matchsticks stuck up your nose, things have gotten more difficult.
That's because last February, a Danish man found room in his nostrils for 68 (unlit!) matches.
"Surprisingly, it didn't hurt," Peter von Tangen Buskov said, according to Guinness World Records.

Canadian Lulu Lotus recently set a new Guinness record for the loudest nose whistle by performing the theme from 'The Godfather' at 44.1 decibels, which, per Yale's school of environmental health and safety, is louder than a whisper but quieter than a refrigerator.

Need something to write with? Ask Aaron Bartholmey.
Maybe he'll loan you one of his 69,255 pencils.
Last July, with the help of the American Pencil Collectors Society (who knew?), the Iowa man spent two days counting up all his pencils-some from World War II emblazoned with patriotic slogans, others used to dial old rotary phones.
The result: a new world record, blasting the old bar of 24,026 pencils.

A few weeks back, a man went into the hardware store and bought an axe to use on an overgrown shrub.
The man put the axe in the bag and went a few doors down to the grocery store, where he bought two bottles of wine.
As the clerk placed the wine in the bag, he spotted the axe.
"This," he said, "has all the making of a very interesting weekend."

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs.
It's jolted by every pebble on the road.

Always buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes.
If you're not in one, you're in the other.

Q: What is a computer's first sign of old age?
A: Loss of memory.

"Why do you want to divorce your wife?" demands the judge.
"Because every night she whispers in my ear:
'It's time for you to go home.'"

Service in the restaurant was abysmally slow.
A man was starting to flip out, so his wife tried to distract him with small talk.
"You know," she said, "our friend Christi should be having her baby anytime now."
"Really?" the man snapped.
"She wasn't even pregnant when we walked in here."

A woman was visiting a friend who couldn't find her cordless phone.
After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said,
"You know what they should invent?
A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost."

When a woman stepped on the scale at her doctor's office, she was surprised to see that she weighed 144 pounds.
"Why don't you just take off that last four?" the woman joked to the nurse's aide as the aide made a notation on the woman's chart.
A few moments later, the woman's doctor came in and flipped through the chart.
"I see you've lost weight," he said.
"You're down to 14 pounds."

A wife texts her husband on a frosty winter's morning:
"Windows frozen!"
Her husband texts back, "Pour lukewarm water over it."
Five minutes later comes her reply:
"Computer completely messed up now."

Have you heard about the new 24-hour daycare thats' opening in India?
It's pretty cute: Instead of playing telephone, the kids just play tech support.

Teacher: What does the word plummet mean?
Eight-year-old student: A girl plumber.

Q: What's gray, crispy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: An amateur electrician.

Overheard in the HR office:
"I need my birth date to log on to my online benefit information.
But I Can't remember what year I pretended I was born when you hired me."

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