SIR Bidwell Branch 110 Humor

Only in America: A Georgia elementary school suspended a nine-year-old girl for pretending a banana was a gun.
The girl's father says he believes "several students were using bananas as guns at lunch," when his daughter picked up her banana and said, "pew pew, you're under arrest."
The father said he initially laughed when school officials told him how his daughter earned a one-day suspension.
But they weren't laughing back.

Anesthesia does funny things to the brain & mouth:
1. Just before he went under for a colonoscopy, a man told the doc, "Are you sure this is right?
I just came in for a teeth cleaning."
The doc replied, "Don't worry, we can get there from here."
2. A man asked his surgical team if anyone needed anything while he was out.
3. Just before a man went to Mario Land from the pain meds after shattering an ankle, he asked the nurse to the prom. He was 35 at the time.

For her birthday, a man bought his wife a tandem skydiving experience.
Wanting to be on the field to take pictures when she landed, he asked the guide how long the jump would take.
"Depends," said the guide.
"If the parachute opens, about six minutes.
If it doesn't, only two."

A man had just started a job at a large bakery when two fellow employees, veins bulging, faced off and began yelling.
Had one insulted the other or screwed up a baking order?
The man had no idea.
Only when he made his way over, as inconspicuously as possible, did he learn what they were arguing over: Who was the better actor, Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck?

Where do bad rainbows go?
Prism. It's a light sentence and gives them time to reflect

Q: What did one flag say to another?
A: Nothing, it just waved.

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because he had no body to go with.

A man was in line at the souvenir booth of a Renaissance fair when another man asked the clerk, "Do you sell sunglasses?"
"Alas, yeoman," she answered in her best faux Old English, "colored bits of glass suspended before the eyes were not invented until after the Renaissance, so those are not goods we purvey."
As he began to turn away, ye olde Renaissance clerk added, "but we do carry baseball caps with our logo on them."

When clients called her store, a female clerk typically answered with either "Can you hold, please?" or "May I help you?"
One day, with the phones ringing off the hook, she got rattled, because she answered a call, "May I hold you?"
The man on the other end answered, "Well, I'm not sure how my wife is going to feel about that."

Because a man caught a predawn bus to get to his job, he was concerned that he wasn't visible to bus drivers in the darkness.
So he attached a reflector to his lunchbox and put on a jogger's vest that was bright orange and had small flashing lights.
The first morning that he wore his new gear, the bus zoomed past but then stopped.
He ran to catch up with it and, as he boarded, he asked the driver, "Didn't you see me?"
"I saw you," the driver replied, "but I thought you were a road sign."

Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.

Q: Why is it pointless to tell a cow a joke?
A: They've probably herd it before.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

Q: What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
A: He let out a little wine.

When animals discover high tech:
1. A Turkish farmer has a creative way of eking out more milk from his cows.
He fits them with virtual reality goggles that put the cows into a lush, green field of grass.
The farmer said it's been wildly successful.
Yield is up by 5 liters, and the quality is better.
2. The Toronto Zoo has a simple request for its guests: Please stop sharing your cellphone videos with the apes.
As it is with their human cousins, gorillas are getting distracted by and addicted to TikTok, Facebook and other social media.
One gorilla, Nassir, isolates from the other apes when he sees guests in hopes of getting screen time.
"Nassir is so into those videos," says the zoo's director of wildlife conservation and welfare.
"It was causing him to be distracted and... he wasn't interacting with the other gorillas."

After a ventriloquist lamented that he hadn't worked in many months, his friend suggested to him that being a psychic pays well.
So the ventriloquist went home and hung out a psychic sign.
An hour later, a woman knocked on the door and said, "I want to talk to my deceased husband. How much will it cost?"
The ventriloquist said, "If you talk to him, $50; if he talks to you, $100; and if you talk to each other while I'm drinking a glass of water, that's $200."

A world without prefixes:
I have eptly cleaned the house, and it is not maculate anymore; it's kempt and the beds are sheveled.
I am very gruntled about this and even though it's a wieldly issue to break to the world, the house has array in a gainly way.
I would say it is even peccable, even though I am feeling flappable and a little plussed.
I started with a choate plan, advertently bunking the fact that it could be done!

The new priest, nervous about hearing confessions, asked an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
Afterward, the old priest had a few suggestions.
"Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand," he said.
The new priest tries it.
"Now say things such as, 'I see, yes,' 'I understand' and 'How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest repeats the phrases.
The old priest smiles and says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No way! What happened next?' "

Linda broke her finger today.
On the other hand, she was completely fine.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg.

Q: Why is it so hard for a cucumber to become a pickle?
A: It's a jarring process.

Q: Why are peppers the best at archery?
A: Because they habanero.

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